Currently, I am on day ten with a week to go on my PTO from work. I am nursing a head cold. The first week I was to work on my house projects. Clear out space in my bathroom and rearrange my bedroom. Bits and pieces while resting in between. The following week I could relax. Create an effective morning and night routine ahead of school starting. Instead, my daughter got sick on day one of my break. She slept a lot but remained hydrated. I rested also and cleaned my kitchen and mopped my floors. The usual weekend routine.
Day four, my son was down for the count. His lasted much longer and worried me. He is not one to be taken down. High fever, in and out of a lethargy. I was cleaning crud from his eyes. I had been keeping the sickness at bay with tequila shots eventually turning to over the counter cold medicine.
Mom was officially down. Well, as down as you can be with four and seven year olds. My room project was placed on hold. In this yucky first week of rest, I stayed mentally uploaded into the matrix. Earthly matters and such. Shady dealings and backlash. Complete chaos and I must admit, a little entertaining. By day ten I had cabin fever from laying around. I need to get up and do something! Checking emails and appointments. Sorting through clothes and financial planning for the new year.
Oh, God.
I lost touch with my “project” 2025. I had been tapped into the matrix and caught quite a glimpse of what to expect. Before my work break, I was assured in my faith and excited for the next four years. I wrote down my targets and possibilities. My road map is a creative piece of art. Now, all I felt was small. Clueless. I didn't feel ready to go back to work. How soon do I jump into investing in my creative endeavors? School starts next week?!
The amount of pressure I piled onto my shoulder in such a short amount of time was insane. Draining, actually. The mental overload only added stress I hadn't been concerned about and by day 14 it had not eased up and I couldn't figure out why.
Also, by day 14, I was at a regulated temperature with a little more energy. Three days left before returning back to work. Every time I thought about it, whoosh, immediate stress. I couldn't shake it or figure it out but deep within my spirit, I knew exactly what the problem was.
Prayer.
I had not been not been praying. Hindsight, I was subconsciously behaving as a petulant child. Refusing to lay down my worries and stress at God's feet as I have many many times in the past. Using my own methods of understanding I've outgrown.
I had struck an inner chord when talking to my daughter. She yells quite aggressively towards her brother a lot. He always comes to tell me, “She's being mean to me.” Even as I am writing this, I recognize this is what we instruct our kids to do when they are at school. If someone hurts you, alert an adult! At home, it's nonstop, sissy is being mean. Sibling stuff, yeah, but some of it is legit. Sissy can be really mean and loud towards her brother. We talked about our feelings in those moments.
“How does it make you feel when your brother says he's sad when you yell at him?”
“I don't know” she pouted but I could tell she was thinking about it.
“Has someone yelled in your face hurt you?”
“Yes” she replied, “an old teacher yelled at me twice for not getting a sentence and it hurt my feelings”
I could see in her expression how reliving the moment affected her. Then I proceeded to tell her about my third grade teacher. Everyone thought she was cool but she was actually quite cruel. She'd poke fun at certain students, myself included, and you'd be the center of laughter. She was mean and it wasn't right. As an awkward child, who very much wanted to fit in, I was torn on what to do.
I cried in the shower. Finally understanding and releasing the blockage. Thankfully, praying. Giving myself grace and pouring love into my own cup. Circling back to the purpose of my vacation from work. Complete focus on myself and restore balance in my household. Yes, we were rocked with sickness and sibling arguments but we were all able to get much needed rest. We all deserve a break. As we return to the world, it's important to be mentally strong. I cried remembering that I mattered to myself. I have worked hard for this new beginning, this balance within self. No amount of noise from the outside world was going to distract me from walking confidently. Prioritizing my needs and wants. Keeping the clutter from my mind. I am no longer the scared little girl from my childhood going up against bullies from all forms and ages! Especially any negativity coming from my own internal thoughts.
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